Death and it's awkwardness.

I've been thinking about death a lot. I want to talk about it, but everybody's always uncomfortable about it. I'm here like, 'you know you're going to die someday, right?' But God forbid I put volume in that thought. Especially in this Nigeria, because should the person have an accident or lose money, or basically experience some sort of misfortune, I'd become the bad mouthed enemy who cursed them. 'My God is greater.' They'd tell me. 

'But did you die.' I believe in this statement so much for this reason. 

So yeah, I think about death. Someone said it's because I experienced the death of a loved one... Perhaps it's true. Or perhaps it's cos I've noticed more people dying, or perhaps because living in Nigeria can be a near death experience itself. But I never talk about it. Even with those that have lost loved ones, we don't talk about it. 

But I finally got to, so now we're all going to talk about death. PEOPLE DIE!!! You don't lose a loved one like some spare change. They don't 'pass', like you're discussing their driving test, and they don't kick the bucket. They die. There is nothing wrong in saying my parent/uncle/aunt/grandparent/sibling/cousin/relative/ friend/neighbour died. (delete as appropriate before you start yelling God forbid in your mind or at your screen- you can't hold me responsible please) No need to sugar coat it. People are so uncomfortable with hearing the words dead and died. 


'Yeah I totally get that when people try to make you somehow sugarcoat saying that someone you loved is dead. And its almost like they are diminishing the love you had for the person because of how blunt you are about the fact that they died. '

DEAD AND DIED!! 
(But did YOU die?)

Another awkward thing about death is condolences. When my grandma passed, one of my friends called me as soon as she heard, but she couldn't say anything. She said first started with 'I'm sorry' and was fumbling with all words 

'Like... Omg.. Like. Wow. Like I'm so sorry...' 
Then she said: 'I'm not good with words but you're all I'm thinking about.' 

It's the only phone call I remember. We were just there in silence... Till the next condolence sharer called. I really appreciated that. Because the truth is there are no right words of comfort. Throw bible verses, throw poems, tweets... The words do nothing. They are empty and meaningless, to the receiver. But protocol says we accept them. Wishes of sympathy cards, accept my condolences messages, sorry for your loss social media posts. What do they mean? 

'It's really uncomfortable when people try to express their condolences. You kinda just have to take it and accept it gracefully while wondering what it all even means. But I guess it helps them feel better to express their condolences to you and really there's no non awkward way to say "I'm sorry your loved one died". That conversation can't ever not be uncomfortable and to an extent I guess that's how its supposed to be.'

I also have to shout out to my Uncle that said 'Eyaaaa, Omo grandma! Now you are no longer omo. Please is there food?' 
I was mad for 5 seconds, but then he came round, and we gisted and kept me company. 
We can't all do that, and no one is saying you shouldn't say these things, it's customary. We can't eradicate them. But what do the words you say to someone grieving mean? Personally I was moved by those who tried to make me smile. That being said the petty me still holding against those friends that know and have chosen to remain silent. At least try no? 

I've also noticed how people try to belittle your 'loss' or underestimate your pain. 
'At least you knew it was coming, you were prepared.'
'At least she was old.'
'She was only 5.'

I get being optimistic, but guys really. It's not right man. My grandma was one of my favourite people in this world. I'm still struggling, so miss me with that craps about at 'least' or 'only.' 


HE/SHE DIED!!! HE/SHE IS DEAD!!!
(But did YOU die?)

Last awkward thing is grieving. It doesn't help that Nigerians are very judgemental characters. Because the statement 
'He's not grieving well.' irks me.
Oh I'm sorry. President of the national grievance affairs, what actions am I to take this morning? 
I recently met someone whose fathers burial falls on his birthday. He told me he was going out that night and I could just hear all the yoruba elders 'ah, o maa se oh.' 'Eya, he's not grieving well.' 

I don't remember where I read it, but I came across a quote that read 'in death we find life.' 
I'll be damned if his turn up doesn't visualise that quote. 

We mustn't forget that before they died, we were a person. Yes, when a loved one dies a part of us dies to, but we are to make the most of that change. Instead of retreating to that loss, why not embrace the new you that comes out of it. Don't let the awkwardness of death inhibit the new life. You may not be next, but someday, you'll be gone. it doesn't have to be awkward.