On hindsight avenue...

It's that time of the year where we look back and reflect on all the decisions we made, all the great things that happened, all the friends we made, kept and dropped, and every other thing that we want to change about 2014. While that's all good and well (trust me, I'm a firm believer in thankfullness), there's a road off reflection lane that I've stopped going down. That's hindsight avenue. It's good to recognise where we've gone wrong in the past and learn from it, but dwelling in the past only lets us dwell on things that may have happened. Learn and move forward. 

Why am I single?

We're well into December already!!
I swear, I didn't even realise this was the third week of the month, everything is moving so quick.
That being said, this month has been good for feedback, especially in unrelated terms. People who I've not pressured to the blog have come here and well yeah... it makes me happy.

Anyways, today's post has come from a number of discussions I've had with guys and what they don't like, find unattractive (behaviour wise) with females. It's not 100% accurate or applicable and it's not serious, but as with all posts up here, there's an element of truth in it. I don't believe this is WHY people are single btw - just some. Lol.

So enjoy...

Why am I single?

Shameless Beauty

So apparently, I only ever write about love and heartbreak. So here's a poem NOT about love... well actually, it is, but a different type anyways. This is probably the most personal poem on this blog tbh, because there is NOTHING fictional about it and it's based on me (unlike most that are drawn from observation and mood - and sometimes hunger). Anyways... Hope you enjoy. x

Shame on me
For not being satisfied with my looks,
For accepting the standard set by the media
Acknowledging that I look nothing like the model on my television screen,
My make-up an outlier to the girl in the magazine
And let's not even try and match the princess in disney books.

No Angel.

So originally, I wrote this piece out of my frustration, but it turned out to be First person Mike Brown. Now I'm going by what I've read and how I feel, but in general theres a message here. I'd call it a tribute, but I'm not 100% sure if it's that tbh... Anyways... Here's a poem regarding Mike Brown

A 2:2 is NOT okay... but life will be.

I used to tell my mum that no one goes into an examination with the pure intention to fail, she'd laugh at me and tell me

'You know nothing Anto' (Shout to all the GoT fans) 

Thought I'd throw in a cheeky joke. Lol.

Anyways, turns out she was right, I got to Uni and well, while I won't say 'to fail', was their intention, it was simply to 'just pass'. Sad thing was I found myself in that category many a time. I'd be calculating scores I needed to 'just get this module over and done with.'

Anyway, I cleaned up this mentality and got on track for a 2:1. Whilst it was borderline too late, I also fell ill during exams. Long story short, I graduated with a 2:2. Along with those who were a couple % off a 2:1, I was gutted. Though I wasn't quite off the mark, I had mitigating circumstances, to which everyone's response 'Oh that's good then.' Well errmmm, no it's not. (Employers don't get that).

The truth is,  getting a 2:2 is not ok. 

The truth.

The truth is,

I'm nearly obsessed.

It's not 100% but borderline.

Like a macbook that's been charging but the light won't go green

I won't either

not with envy at least.

Not with sick either

Cos I have no reason to be that

Way about you, because we're not a we..

I'm in this alone, it's all just me

I create these things in my head to make me happy.

Autumn...

"Autumn days, when the grass is jewelledAnd the silk inside a chestnut shellJet planes meeting in the air to be refuelledAll these things I love so wellSo I mustn’t forgetNo, I mustn’t forgetTo say a great big thank youI mustn’t forget."

In primary school, this was one of my favourite hymns. I'd belt out the words at the top of my lungs. from the middle of the floor during assembly, legs crossed and full of enthusiasm. When you think about it, its such a great song. What makes it special is that it goes on about my favourite time of the year... Autumn. My last post talks about how september is my favourite month, but this is about my season. So here's 5* THINGS I LOVE ABOUT AUTUMN.

1. Colours. 
People say spring is the most colourful season, but I prefer Autumn colours. Spring is full of pinks and blues and other brights, but autumn has a solemn sophistication to it. With the darker ends of the spectrum glowing. Cranberry, Tan, Grey, Cream, Navy Blue, Deep Purple, Mustard, Burgundy....
And it's not just clothes! It's the trees and their leaves, it's the lighting and more importantly, it's the Food!!

2. Food!! 
To be honest, this really should be the first point. But this list isn't in order of preference. Nonetheless as the foodie that I am, food is important. Now as a Nigerian, there aren't that many foods that stick to certain seasons. Maybe fruits, but otherwise, that's about it. Nonetheless, I believe that Autumn foods stick out. Also, Autumn foods often overlaps with Christmas foods, so there's goodness for two seasons. Here's SIX foods for autumn (recipes soon come)

• Anything pumpkin. It's only right as Halloween is nigh. But pumpkin makes for spice and soup and pies and more. Why let it pass you by?
• Yams, sweet potato and all those tubers.  They make for amazing sides with casseroles and soups so which are dishes that hold the best of autumn crops.
• Butternut squash gets it's own cos it's either/or, it can be used in replacement of pumpkins or sweet potatoes, but it's more a veg. 
• Chocolate - to be fair, this is a cheat and chocolate is a year round food, but think desserts.
• Pies and crumbles - I've given you enough ideas for these... but get those summer fruits that are almost out of season and make a crumble or get the beef and butternut quash into a pie.
• Soup! - Every vegetable and even better combinations make for good soups. EXPERIMENT!

3. Harvest
Speaking of food, Harvest! That hymn was actually a harvest hymn. For those that don't know harvest is the time when farmers gather their crops. In simplest terms. But for me in primary school it meant donating to the needy, usually food and we still do through CAFOD.

4. Thanksgiving
This hymn is so relevant! It's telling us to be thankful and guess what's in Autumn? Thanksgiving! Okay, so Brits don't do thanksgiving, but heeyyy.... IDC. I love the idea of family/friends and giving thanks. Never pass an opportunity to do so.  Again, it celebrates food and oh... Turkey!!!

5. I could list more, but I'm gonna leave it to you instead- What do you love about Autumn?

The proposal.

Unlike your average 23 year old (Wow, saying that out loud is weird), I don't have my wedding planned. I have no clue where I want to get married, what type of dress I want, song(s)- that-MUST-be played list, nothing... actually, I know I want a September wedding, but yeah, other than that I don't have any ideas about my wedding. This may be because I'm single but then I know a number of single people who have plans.  Also it could be because I'm scared of marriage. But that's a story for another day.
The weird thing I do have planned however is my proposal. Okay, I don't have it planned out... but I know that it matters to me A LOT. I've watched soooo many proposals online and, well while they are all different, I found something in common... the genuine declaration of love.

But why do proposals matter so much?

So, you have a business idea, and you have to pitch it to board members. That enthusiasm, that interest, that passion, that desire, the thought process, the caution, that readiness to adapt your life to it, and the readiness to stick by it till through failure, that's what you illustrate. That's what you show. And oh the beauty in passion. It's like a beautifully contained flame on a scented candle with your favourite smell. Pleasantries of smell, warmth and light from one source. A proposal fills you with that. As the proposer, you want to share that, and as the propose you want that. You jump on board.
You might think that I'm easily washed, but it's not that simple. Taking me to Dubai and dropping on one knee at the top of the Burj Khalifa is NOT the dream proposal. It's the innovation, taking into thought and mind what matters to me most.

As weird as it seems, I'd love to propose to a man. But more important, I can't wait to be proposed to. That's one thing I MUST have a video of.

I recently came across a question that was 'What's the most powerful image to you?'

My answer?

A proposal. Not the flamboyant disneyland flash mob type or the NBA Playoffs half-time either. A simple and intimate proposal.

Why? In this moment, an array of emotions are released into the environment.

Excitement, Nervousness, Fear, Shock and most importantly Love. (Forgive me if I've excluded any other important ones)

All these emotions, at this point, are in their most raw and genuine form.

And the tears, the smiles and even the mild forehead sweat all say it.

Her 25th Birthday, Her 4 best friends, her family, her boyfriend at dinner. He had Andy Grammer's 'I choose you' playing in the background as he falls to one knee and struggles to speak and blaah blaah. She's in shock and tears etc. When she says yes, THAT'S when you take a photo. That's when you captured LOVE! It's an amazing picture... not because of the photographers skills or the quality of the camera, but because of everything I've said before... genuineness. That’s what makes it powerful.

Britigerian*: A cool story.

Back in Primary school, I wouldn't be caught dead speaking Yoruba. I was ashamed of it. That's how they made us feel in England. They made us feel weird for having another language. They intimidated me with English. So I mastered their language. Heck, I speak better English than most of the kids that were in my class from Primary school. I was reading Great Expectations in Year 4. Camman!

By the time I got to Nigeria, I was so perfect in English, I didn't belong. I hated it. I was soo angry. So you mean to tell me, all that perfection was going to waste? I decided very quickly that a Nigerian accent wasn't going to pass me by. Besides, I had been blessed with the ability to adapt accents. At age 3 I had an Irish accent,  and I've been told my Indian accent is scarily accurate  (When impersonating an Indian mum). It's funny because I got picked on for this decision. No one wants to listen to your story. They just knew me as 'the girl from Jand* who lost her accent in two weeks.' Why did this even matter? Till today, I'm not sure. It might have been culture territorial behaviour or simply 11yr old banter. The thing I know is that I stuck with the Nigerian accent anyway. I didn't revert back to British (not consciously anyway), and now my accent game strong! Lol.

(No, but really, a lot of people tell me that I only have a Nigerian accent and I put on a British one. But I had the British accent first, so I'd say it was the other way, but I don't. Nopes, I have TWO accents. It's possible.)

 Anyways, a while down the line, I noticed the Nigerian accent wasn't enough for identification. Every other black person in London had one. Some thick as ever, and some - rather terrible attempts- oh and then there was the DontJealousMe type accent. Anyway, this motivated me to learn Yoruba. I always understood it. But speaking, I HAD no interest.

Today… I can't get enough of Yoruba. Every time I leave my house and I need to speak without being heard… it's Yoruba! And I see it on their faces… they are jealous. They don't understand. They don't have ANOTHER language. I even get young people at work saying..'Toni, do you speak Nigerian.' or 'Can you teach me a Nigerian?'


Do you know how gassed I get?


All I'm saying is, Thank God that I was able to identify with my country and culture, and I pray he not only maintains what I represent,but develops it.

Happy Independence Day!


*Britigerian is a term coined in the GGN era of life. It simply means British Nigerians - this may be restricted to those on Student Visa but I've extended it to Dual nationality.

*Jand is a term coined in... no one actually knows.. which is basically Nigerian slang for England.

The past

SPOILER ALERT!!!!!! If you haven't watched Lion King, then you might want to stop here. Come to think of it, if you haven't watched Lion King, why are you here? I think it should be a life requirement. Anyways, recently someone asked for my top 5 movies, and this was one. This scene, is a major contributor to why. 

The past.

'Your future is dependant on your past.'

So commonly we believe that our previous actions

Determine where we end up today.

We believe that a left turn, means left is all we'll know

When in truth it's actually false.

You see in turning left and things going wrong.

We know we can then turn to the right.

And in making a mistake at some odd point,

we learn to avoid it the next.

The past is not the to be a determinant

More so it is actually a teacher

And in accepting this, we grow strong in our faults

And learn how how to not commit them again.

Woman Crush... Lifetime

What may come across as an infatuation
Is no more than intense appreciation
For the female body.
And through these words I give you my eyes,
That you may share my lust for curves.

See, a 'booty' and boobs, is as simple as it seems
But the female body is much more,
From collarbones to hip sways,
Fingernails to straight legs
There's always something to admire.

There's this dream figure we all have,
But it usually exempts the nitty gritty imperfections that women possess.
Some aren't so small, and are open to naked eye.
Other's are only seen when naked to the eye.

The folds of your thick lady, so strong and in place,
From whatever source , they should be embraced
Back dimples or depressions, each to their own
These beautiful in presses seem rested on bone.
Yet nothing of such exists.

My infatuation with the female body might just be a form of decadence,
As it can almost be confused with lesbianism.
But through these words I give you my eyes
That you may gain insight, through appreciative eloquence
of the divine creation that is a female body


I cannot begin to articulate the art that I see when I look
From the the curls on her head, down to her foot.
The  female body.

Let's not forget the hair, in all shapes and sizes,
all textures, all rhythms and flows.
It's response to the wind, brings to light a melody,
that can be seen only within the strands,
dancing and prancing around.

Oh the female body, a perfect imperfection.
The best of the worst, lying in my reflection.
Oh the female body.

The life and times of a writer.

The complexity of writing to a personal extent, but not giving away your emotional content.
This is something I find MANY people struggle with, in the sense that as raw and pure as we wish our writing to be, we still don't want you to know 'what makes us me'.
So we tweak and we twist and it becomes slightly unclear, and for you to judge, then becomes our fear.

'Deep' you know. A comment that has saved us, when people feel they can relate, but they know half of the pain as emotions been slain just to appear as a writer. But sometimes you see, we do exaggerate, when the situations really not that 'deep' so you see it goes two ways.

It's a talent and curse, this writing thing you see. For the normal ways of coping become unclear to me. I feel writing is the cure, yet the cause of all my pain, At the same time it brings a joy I'm yet able to explain. 'But you just have internet access, and put posts online, Your blog is an expanded twitter.' I get that all the time. I don't need to get angry, or owe them an explanation, My blog is who I am, even if it's just for recreation.

One day I WILL be recognised, and this blog will not suffice, to define or explain the journey which I took, but now you're reading this post and others you'll watch out for my book. I must thank those who secretly enjoy and constantly support  and for all the other passers-by (is that a word) I thank you for not  seeing my blog link and thinking spam report.

This is not a poem, although somethings seem to rhyme, but when you write a lot of poetry, you'll understand with time, That words are fun and deep simultaneously, and a writers words aren't truly what they seem. Don't believe me? Fine is this a poem or a rant? A thank you or complaint? Now riddle me that.

Bonsoir....

It's cliche to visit Paris and return thinking you're some French expert... but I'm nothing short of the cliche individual so here's another cliche post to add to your collection. So as you've gathered, I've recently (recently being about 9/10 hours ago) returned from Paris and well, it was awesome.

Here's some pictures and holiday advice.

1. A camera is the most essential companion. It's more important than your phone. In fact, your phone is only necessary for when you're returning. So long as you're with people, you don't need to keep in contact with anyone else. If you have to keep in contact, get a local sim and credit. It'll save you money. Yes a lot of phone have camera's but it's not the same.

CAMERAS ARE NOT FOR THIS REASON!

 2. Loved ones are always a necessity. Last holiday I had was with my 'cousins' in Dubai. While being around your age mates is tops, having younger ones is still fun. They have stories for days. They have descriptions for everyone and they always want to have fun.

Meet the squaaaaaaa!!!!!

3. A journal is ten steps higher than a camera. Yes cameras a great for visual memories, but when you're writing, your more in touch with your personal, your emotion and that. I didn't keep one, but I wish I did.

4. Visit landmarks, be a tourist!!!! Almost every country has a landmark. Take out at least one day in your holiday to visit it. As we know, France has the Eiffel Tower, and it would be silly not to go. I'm a sucker for heights, and though this has nothing agains Burj Khalifa, it was still beautiful.

Eiffel tower...

The lock Bridge.

5. Bring out the child in you. Now I'm aware that not every city has a disneyland, but a theme park is somewhere at bay or something to remind you of your childhood at the very least. As for me, it was Disneyland Paris. Even though I went as a child, it was nice to actually remember things, also to experience new things. The parade was also AMAZING, the studio a lot of 'you should've been there' moments, and a couple, 'I wish so and so was here.' None the less, I was a child for the day. 

Oga at the top!

Because Disney...

The missus.

6. SHOP! SHOP! SHOP! EAT EAT EAT!!!!!!!

 I put these two together because they are where your money will go. Shop... every time you travell I suggest you collect stuff.. shot glasses, key holders, fridge magnets, ash trays just collect... it's fun to do. Now, I'm not a fan of taking pictures of food, so I don't have any of those. However, I always make it a must to try out something cultural. This time, I stayed away from frog legs and stuck with baguettes and croissants. 

But yes, luckily for me there was a MASSIVE shopping mall.. Val d'Europe and a Designer outlet village... La Vallée Village behind my hotel.

Google this.

There's so much more advice to give, but that's all based on my own opinions and experiences. So travel and find out what suits you best and share your tips. 



Au revior for now... 

 

What's a holiday without one of these? 

#AGooddeedaday...

Here's to hoping that the designers of this campaign never find this.

But yeah, my time working as a Senior Mentor with the Challenge Network has come to an end. And while I'm sad, I feel like a proud mother. This week was probably the most stressful week for my young people. They had to develop a campaign and pitch it to a panel of judges (top heads at Sky and GSK) - Dragon's Den style, and bid for funding. I was soo nervous for them, I felt sick, I even threw up a little in the toilet. But i had to hold myself together. If I couldn't, how could they. So I did and so did they.

They did AMAZING!!! I almost cried. I don't know how I didn't. I was in awe. I'd seen these 12 kids walk into a room three weeks ago, all timid and awkward and now they were running the show. 

They did so well that the judges could only find ONE fault... which was to change the colour of a feature in the logo. 

I don't know how to express the smile I had on my face.

Anyways, by law I'm not allowed to stay in contact with them, but I definitely want their campaign to be a success. 

So I urge you all to follow the campaign '#agooddeedaday'... 

Just pop it into google and follow the FB link and yeah. Get involved.

If you're on it, I'm on it. 

xx

If you're on it, I'm on it...

Hanging around young people brings out the kid in me. You'd think I'd be one of those power trip people, but no, I just blend in. I've been fortunate to find a job that lets me do this and pays!!! So while I've been on it, I've picked up a couple things. Kids Young people have a positive, get go attitude. Forget the stereotypes the media provides you with. If you get to know these young people, you will find that they have goals and dreams. Unfortunately society (and sometimes reality) picks at them and crushes them and they become fit to bone of a stereotype.

Anyway, in the group of 12 kids (we're keeping this cos it's shorter - however it's 'politically' incorrect) I was in charge of had this phrase 'If you're on it, I'm on it.' We'd give them a challenge, no matter the size or importance, and one would chant it, and they'd all respond 'I'm on it!', and go off and do the challenge. I LOVED it. It was that get go attitude. I've still got a week and a half with them as I write this actually, so here's to hoping it lasts. But here's to applying 'I'm on it' to everything I do. Try it out guys...

x

3 F's

Today, I sat through a speech class. The speaker was totally amazing. He engaged a group of 58 16-17 year olds for two hours straight, and they took something home from it. It was amazing. As he stood on stage, he controlled us (the audience), and we didn't realise that two hours had gone by. The kids young people, were so encouraged to not just be confident speakers, but just make something of themselves. Likewise myself.

Anyway, going back to taking something away, our speaker taught us many things, but one of my favourites was: The three F's to consider when deciding your career path/picking a job.

Fun
Fulfilling
Finance

IN THAT ORDER.


I could go on to debate this, but it made sense to me and i'm going by it. Anyway, the speakers name is Charles, and his twitter is @CharlesEmeka. Check him out, follow him and let him know i sent you there (I didn't want to follow to avoid the risk of the young people I work with following me - it's against the law)

Quick apology, I'm working these day's so posts are limited. But stay tuned. More to come. x

CONGRATULATIONS!!!!

This blogger is officially a graduate of the University of Leicester. A BSc holder in Business Economics. To God Be The Glory.
It's been a week since and I'm still hungover - not on alcohol, but excitment. There's been lunches and dessrts, and dinner and more...

Here's a couple of pictures. Enjoy.

Banks!

My LE Bestie. x

Econ Squuaaaa!!!

Femi forever posing.

Family

Grandma looking at Ola like 'Wossdimeeninovolldizjackie?'

We're complimentary to each other...

Meet Scott. My fave BSc buddy.

Catching bants with the bro 

T-SMOLLZ!! I love her  - simples!

Squuuaaa!!!!

Cousin Abby!

She's more than an ordinary friend.

Manny Can actully be a cutie.

Are we talking? Or having a conversation?

Do you guys talk or you just have conversation?

Know before you interact. Cos it affects the other persons interpretation.

Recently, I've come to realise, there's a difference between a talk and a conversation.

Most people fail to realise this and head straight on into communication. 

Words and Ideas and topics come up, with no real substance to the discussion

And even then people aren't aware, that the speaking is merely a form of interaction. 

See when conversation is nigh, there's no solid destination

Any and everything goes, 

It's an exchange of knowledge, or random ass stories or a line of mutual friends one knows. 

But a talk, now that, that holds shed loads of weight

For there's a purpose, an aim, a goal. 

Apology, explanation, update or confrontation

There's something that has to be said. 

The convo* won't end, till the agenda is reached

The problem lies in simple differentiation. 

We lack ability to do. 

And even the party responsible for initiation 

Tends to start off on the wrong foot.

'Can I talk to you' said the man at the bar, when he has no clue of what he wants to say. 

Another problem is clarity in definition.

A misunderstanding of your 'relationship' can do as much damage as emotion.

Are you on that level where you can have a 'deep conversation' 

Or is every word said measured in the context of bants.

The inability to decipher, the strength of the bond leaves one party more enthusiastic than the other. 

Thus when it comes to understanding, two mindsets have been fed, and interpretations different because one party was misled. 

Let's not leave out expectations. 

These are critical in conversation. 

Because regardless of the way we talk elsewise will be heard. 

For someone filled with hatred, they may have developed a dedication to demand that every interpretation is an imitation of the past. 

We set our minds to believe that someone is already bad,

Therefore all the ever say must follow suit. 

They hear no excuses, want no explanation just hold that opinion against them and keep other opinions mute. 

?

I could go on with shed loads of reasons, for what I call misspecification,

But the key is to differentiate between a talk and conversation

A change in Dynamics.

IT'S GRADUATION MONTH!!!!!

And oh look, yet another post about being a graduate! Yawn? 
Well, it has become apparent that after graduation, it is customary to start a blog. Well at least this is what I've noticed about my peers. My initial reaction to this was 'it's a phase, they'll grow out of it.', but no one has. In fact, there's shed loads more blogs, and I LOVE IT! 

However, why? Don't you wonder why this has all happened? (wonder why they've saturated our market). Well here's how I see it. We all know the whole facade about graduation being a party into the big bad world, reality, the hard stuff and all other scary names that society has for it. What we don't realise is that we are alone. Yes, we graduate with a group of friends, BFF's if not, but the truth is, we are alone. Many of our experiences are alone, but they are also in common. 

Take for instance Rachel. Rachel graduated from the University of Birmingham last year. Between then and today, she's been rejected from 28 jobs, worked part time at New Look, gone on 3 holidays and lives at home with mum and Dad. In September, she will be starting a masters in Business Management  (Sound familiar graduates?). A lot of these experiences are extremely relatable,however people don't know that, and a blog is a medium through which this is done. 

Reading blogs of friends and peers, I somewhat feel prepared for experiences. I feel prepared about how everyone is going to remind you how, you're still young, but expect you to be responsible for everything - as you are, at the same time old enough. I feel prepared for job rejections, I feel prepared to be constrained by my parents in movement and timing. I feel prepared to be broke - no pocket money. Does this mean I am ready? (Of course, I'm a fighter -not really, no.) No, it just means I know what's ahead of me. I'm mentally aware of what's potentially about to come my way and different ways of handling this.

I perceive blogs as journals. Rants, stories, poems and the lot, they all stem from experiences and observations from life and the eyes of a graduate provide many windows into life for us soon to be's.  I also see blogs as 'Avenue FINALLY'. One thing I've noticed is that most blogs have a central theme. Some people stick to sports others photography. Whatever the interest, most people are finally focusing/giving time to personal interests. Blogs manage to infuse these interests with personal experiences. I remember reading this one guy's fitness blog. I LOVED IT! For every exercise he put up, he had a story to tell. Why he learnt it, or why he was working out, or what happened in the gym or what he's noticed on the tube. I could relate to a lot and it motivated me to work out to (which didn't last long - partly because he stopped blogging.). He was also funny, which made it appealing. My main point here is that through a blog, you can combine your interests and experiences, and share this to the world (or the 20 people/friends who actually read it). 

The advantage of this, you will find your not alone. (If you enable comments), People tend to respond, explaining how they've been through similar experiences, sharing how they may have reacted and so on and so forth. However, this does not eliminate 'opinionists' (yes I made that  word up - they don't deserve to be called anything meaningful). Anyway, these are individuals who feel it necessary to force their opinions on you and even possibly insult you at the same time. But remember, you control your blog so you can ignore these or simply acknowledge them so they can shut it!

Anyway, the moral of this post is that blogs are NOT bandwagons. They aren't habits or tumblrs which you pick up and  drop. They are lifestyle exposures. I'd advise graduates to get a blog, you never know who you might save (prepare) and who might save you. 

So relax, and enjoy as ToniVerse becomes, not just a poetic pun (just in case you never actually knew) on my name, but an insight to my world/life as a graduate.

Butterfly...

As I opened my eyes this morning, 

I stretched.

I didn't stop stretching.

I expanded myself.

I felt my outer shell breaking.

Is this Freedom?

I thought it was.

A spud of excitement grew within

But I kept on stretching, beyond control

Beyond my reach

Beyond the spaces that I actually know.

For a brief second, fear crept in.

I was scared, scared of the unknown

But it stopped.

The fear, the growth, the breaks.

Everything stopped.

I looked down

I was different.

I was beautiful.

I had features unique to myself 

But common to all. 

I wasn't sure what to do with it.

Then I took a step.

But it wasn't a step. 

I was flying

See I had wings

The most beautiful set I had ever seen

I had no ears for those who didn't believe so.

I took off and began to fly

I flew and flew into the darkest night

See all this while I was in a cocoon 

Sheltered from this world.

Hidden in darkness

In what I thought was my comfort zone

Little did I know there was a plan

I thought I could hide from it

Sleep it away

But it was a process...

A development

And now I fly today.

Today I am a butterfly.

I had no plan on writing that poem. I literally put my fingers to the keyboard and began to type and that all came out. I was gonna go on about how it's summer and how as a graduate and that I'm open to new things and how this blog will reflect that and how I've had bad experiences, and how I've been dwelling in them, hiding from the world, but now I'm ready to use them to grow. That was the point of the post, thats IS the point. And being a butterfly metaphorically represents it all. 

...with a dream

A woman with a dream is viewed as many things.
She's looked up to by those 'below'.
She's placed on a pedestal of role modal expectations
Her every move is watched.

A woman with a dream, is considered as lethal
She'll cut anything or one in her way
She'll strive through it all to achieve the end goal
Her actions are being noted

A woman with a dream is considered feminist
Sometimes not by her choice.
For she stands against what the norm
Her ways depict this at least

A woman with a dream can be seen as selfish
After her own fulfilment's in life
When her family at home don't get as much love as her work
Her decisions are intended for her alone

A woman with a dream is considered conflicted
for society expects other things from her
And while she wants those things as well
Her choices are being judged.

A woman with a dream is over ambitious
She's greedy, selfish and self-absorbed.
Her sole focus is herself, she cares for no one else
Her lifestyle is frowned upon.

A woman with a dream is a struggle to be
For there's too many pros vs cons.
And in a a finding the right balance the dream is lost
Thus is the woman too.

Angel

This is an old piece. From 2010 I think. Just re-discovered it and thought to share. Enjoy. x

Angel*

She crept in the room to check on her child!

And the he lay, so meek and mild.

But the room felt cold, abnormally weird

The atmosphere was dark; so into the cot she peered.

Her baby was blue, still as a stone,

She was right when she felt that something was wrong.

She picked up her baby, a victim of theft,

Her baby had been visited by the Angel of Death! 

Dying Love (part 2)

The first dying love series I did was back in November 2013: Dying Love, I wrote it as part one because I knew there were many definitions to a dying love. Wrote this one about a year and a bit after. But for some reason couldn't publish it. Anyways, read through both and let me know.

Dear someone,

 I'm trying to dettach myself from you, so I refuse to address you by name. I believe this will make thng easier when you part. I'll cut the small talk, because I know you enjoy it, and I'll get to the main point. because you don't deserve it. I hate you. I think you are rude, I think you are obnoxious, I think you are alot of bad things to be honest, but the worst thing you've done is be my friend. How could you do that? People may think I'm selfish for being mad at you, but I think your the selfish one. How could you let us grow so close. How could you listen to all my problems and understand me so well. How could you know the right things to say? How could you know secrets about me that even my siblings didn't know? How could you get mad at me, but make up with me before the end of the day? Why didn't you ever just stay mad and just walk away? You didn't have to return, I'd've lived if you didn't but we went through all those and just grew strong. How could you be the only one to tell me when I was wrong. How coud you be so judgemental yet so understanding.
Why did you steal from me and make me laugh about it? Why did you let us have all those good times? I don't understand, what were you trying to achieve? What point were you trying to make? Now I'm here, looking like a fool, because my best friend has chosen to die. You're not allowed to do this. You can't leave me in this earth. You kept me all to yourself and then just dumped me when you were done? What do I do with your secrets? Or you polka dot top? Do I throw out you iPod , how do I stop?
I love you in a way that no one understands, the kind of way that's weird if we both hold hands, but cool when we hug and kiss on the cheeks but now it just one way as only one of us exists.

I hate you right now, because this is what you've done.
I hate you because now I feel lost.
I hate you to the point that my heart in in pain.
I hate you so much , all I can do is LOVE!



I love you.

Toni.

The man in my head.

The man in my head makes it impossible for me to beloved,
Because by his standards, no man is ever enough.
From his looks to his intelligence, to his passions to his names
All other men are commoners to this beauty in my brain.
I know what job he has, how many kids he wants.
I know his life plans and where we will reside.

The light.

I had a random thought this morning...

'If I commit suicide, will people see me as selfish?'

Will they say things like, 'nothing seemed like it was wrong.' or 'She was happy, I don't know why she could've done it.'

Sometimes, us 'friends' are the selfish ones. You never take time to see past your problems and ask what was going on with them. You fail to see the fake smiles and cried out eyes. You made them feel invisible. 

Take for instance my blog. Most of my poems are reflections of my inside. In that they are my feelings in words. Or an exaggeration. I've read back on a few and thought... 'Damn, gurl, you were in a dark place.'
But no one knew this. Why, because the people that checked the blog weren't looking for that, and the people who could see it, weren't checking the blog.